9-minute read
“Set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips!” Ps. 141:3
I had a conversation the other day with a friend in a coffee shop. I shared some sensitive things about myself and thought, “I wonder who can hear me right now?”
This reminded me of a time when I got yelled at in a restaurant in Kentucky. As I thought about that time, I thanked the Lord for what He taught me in that experience. I decided to write my thoughts down because I’m hoping to accomplish a few things:
- I want to encourage others with what I’ve learned and challenge you to think about how the Lord is growing you through conflict.
- This one is selfish. I want to look back on my thoughts and remember what happened as I’m prone to making the same mistakes.
As you read this post, it’s my hope that you resonate with my story, but in a grace-filled way. As you read you might agree with me that the young man in the following account misbehaved. You probably have a story like this too! Maybe someone misbehaved and yelled at you or maybe you’ve done it to someone else.
A few years ago while working with the Baptist Convention I was having lunch with a Director of Missions (DOM) friend and two pastors at the local Mexican restaurant. We sat side by side in a booth by the window and had been meeting for several months in varying representations of the group working to help a pastor and the dying church he served work toward health. We had reached the portion of working through some language in the guiding documents when I looked up and a young man was standing at our table. He was not our waiter and he was visibly agitated.
Before we could say anything to him, he told us he had been sitting in the booth behind us and was listening to our conversation. His displeasure over our conversation was evident in his tone, choice of words, and posture. He was unhappy that our conversation did not include enough prayer. He was disappointed in the way we spoke about these new documents. His displeasure also included the perceived spiritual tone of our conversation. (Not enough spirituality and too much business.)
When he finished, I tried to respond with kindness and grace. I asked him his name and where he attended church. He gave us his first name, but not his church. I then told him that what he heard was a snippet of all we had been doing. I explained that there had been much prayer throughout this process and that these documents were necessary for this church. I explained that as he listened to only a portion of our conversation, he was ignorant of the context of the situation, and our relationships to one another. I told him that it was not fair of him to share his opinion unsolicited, and since he stated he was a Christian, he could have given us the courtesy of telling us where he went to church. We weren’t enemies and I was trying to make common ground. After he left, we stared at each other and asked, “What just happened?” We stopped, prayed for the young man, and continued meeting.
As my DOM friend and I recounted our experience, neither of us thought what we said was offensive, out of the way, or sinful. We did have some takeaways that informed our next work-related restaurant meeting as well as good reminders that I try to remember when in public:
- People listen whether you want them to or not. They might be eavesdropping on purpose or maybe they can’t help it because you and your friend are inadvertently louder than you realize. Something else was going on in this guy’s life and he used the opportunity to lash out at us. But as my friend and I thought about it, we decided to always look for the most empty area in the restaurant moving forward. We asked ourselves, “Were we in sin? Did we say anything that we should not have said? Were we insensitive to others?” I have a friend who prays the gospel as he asks the Lord to bless his food at the restaurant. He said, “I’m not sure if anyone is listening, but if they are, they’ll hear the Good News!” People are listening. Let’s not sin in our conversation or cause them to sin in listening to it.
- Sometimes other people sin against you and you might not know why. Give them grace and learn where you can. What causes someone to insert themself into another’s conversation unsolicited? I don’t know! While in Massachusetts last month my friend’s daughter asked how old we were and some dude stopped and started asking us all our ages and then just walked off. WHY!?!?! So weird. I think a better question was one my DOM friend asked. “What is going on in that young man’s life that would cause him to say those things in that way? We need to pray for him and his heart. He is probably going through a lot right now and we need to give him some grace.” I’ve had plenty of people angry with me. Most justified and some not. The older I get, the better I am at listening to the anger and trying to apply what I can so I don’t make the same mistakes. Remember, there’s usually a kernel of truth behind what people say in their anger or rebuke of you. Find the truth and learn from it.
- Keep sensitive conversations private. This one was not sensitive. I had a 100 like it in my time with the Convention and never had another person rebuke me for doing my job. Sometimes conversations are best had in private, in the back booth with no one around, or in hushed tones. Ask yourself, “Am I in sin by even having this conversation?” “If someone were to overhear, would I cause them or someone else to sin?”
- Jesus calls us to kindness, compassion, and care. We lovingly (also a little shocked) listened to the young man as he shared with us. We didn’t yell back. No one got up in their preferred fighting stance (I like the bobbing video game character). I also believe it was caring for me to let him know that his comments were unwarranted and unwelcome. As we prayed for him, we talked about how we had no idea what kind of hurt he experienced in his church life. We were ignorant of his walk with the Lord and his maturity level. We asked the Lord to care for him, to allow his heart to receive forgiveness and love. Sometimes being kind and compassionate in public is not saying everything that comes to mind. I love jokes, puns, and sarcasm, but what are others hearing outside of my immediate context? What does our vocal tone say to others who may be listening in?
I think about this young man from time to time. I hope he is healing from whatever or whoever hurt him. I thank the Lord for that experience. I certainly wouldn’t ask for it, but it provided me with a good reminder that others are listening to what I say in public. What about you? Have you had an experience like this? Even if you were wronged, how did you use the experience to grow in your love for others and the Lord? How did you go about redeeming a bad situation for His glory?
Toby DeHay 