Few phrases sound more caring than “How can I help?” We use it at hospital bedsides, after funerals, in online comments, and in church hallways. It seems compassionate. It seems Christian.
But often, those words don’t lead to anything.
The person in pain nods politely. “I’m okay. Thanks.” We walk away feeling relieved, thinking we have offered care. They walk away still carrying the weight, but alone.
Sometimes, “How can I help?” does not lead to action. Instead, it becomes a polite way to step away from responsibility.
Are these words little more than a polite platitude? That may be the best way to describe them—spiritual-sounding and sincere in tone, yet often costing us very little and accomplishing even less.
This does not mean we should stop offering help. It means we should learn to offer it in a better way.
Why “How Can I Help?” Often Falls Flat
People in crisis are often overwhelmed. They may be grieving, exhausted, embarrassed, or numb. Asking them to come up with a plan for us while they are hurting is usually too much.
It is like going up to someone whose house just burned down and saying, “Let me know if you need anything.”
They need everything, but they do not know where to start.
So they respond with what feels polite and safe:
“I’m good. Thank you, though.”
And we end up thinking we have done our part.
A Better Way to Offer Help
When we notice a need, our first step should not be to speak. Instead, we should pray.
Before we text.
Before we post.
Before we show up with a casserole.
We pause and ask:
“Lord, what would You have me do?”
We pray about the situation. We listen. We think about what we can do. We might even ask a spouse or trusted friend to help us decide. Then we approach the person not with vague concern but with thoughtful, practical love.
Instead of:
“How can I help?”
Try:
“I’ve been praying for you. I would really like to help in a practical way. Would it be okay if I suggested a few specific things?”
Then:
“We could bring dinner on Tuesday, watch the kids one evening, run some errands, or help with yard work this weekend. Would any of these be helpful right now?”
You’ve done the emotional labor for them.
You’ve made help visible.
You’ve made saying “yes” easy.
It is also important to give them permission for the future:
“Would it be okay if I check back in a week or two? I know needs change.”
That communicates something powerful:
You are not just a one-week project. I am willing to walk with you.
The Open Toolbox
Imagine someone gives you a toolbox and says, “Use whatever you need.”
But you are exhausted. You do not even know what tools are inside. You do not know which one will help. So you smile and say, “I’m fine.”
Now imagine they say, “I have a hammer, a drill, and a ladder. Which one would help right now?”
That is the difference between vague care and real care.
When “Help” Is Shaped by Pressure
Not all offers of help are healthy.
Sometimes people feel pushed by:
- A leader’s broad call: “Everyone needs to step up.”
- Social media: Seeing names publicly listed on meal organizing websites.
- Church culture: The fear of looking unspiritual if you don’t respond.
This creates a kind of Christian guilt, the feeling that I must help everyone who asks, or everyone who is hurting, or else I am failing God.
But Scripture doesn’t call us to meet every need. It calls us to obey the Lord.
Even Jesus did not heal every person in Israel. He helped as the Father led.
Unhealthy pressure produces:
- Resentful giving
- Overextended families
- Shallow, performative service
- Quiet burnout masked as faithfulness
- Avoidance
Believers need freedom to ask:
“Why do I feel compelled to say yes right now?”
Is it love—or fear?
Is it obedience—or image management?
Is it the Spirit—or social guilt?
We help as the Lord leads us, not because shame pushes us.
Love That Looks Like Jesus
Real help is:
- Prayerful
- Thoughtful
- Specific
- Respectful
- Sustainable
It begins with listening to God before speaking to people.
It honors the person’s dignity.
It respects your limits.
It invites relationship, not just relief.
So maybe we can stop using the automatic “How can I help?” and try something better:
“I’ve been praying for you. I would love to help in a real way. Here are a few things we could do. Would any of these bless you right now?”
That sounds less spiritual.
It is far more loving.
Because love doesn’t just offer.
Love shows up.
“Further Reading: Learning to Help Well.”
Corbett, Steve & Brian Fikkert.
When Helping Hurts: How to Alleviate Poverty Without Hurting the Poor…and Yourself. Moody Publishers, 2009.
A foundational work on how good intentions can sometimes harm rather than help—and how Christians can serve wisely and biblically.
Welch, Edward T.
Side by Side: Walking with Others in Wisdom and Love. Crossway, 2015.
A deeply pastoral and practical guide to caring for others in everyday life, emphasizing presence, prayer, humility, and shared dependence on Christ.
Desiring God.
“S-L-O-W: How to Love Suffering People.”
An article that urges believers to slow down, pray, listen, and offer thoughtful, personal care rather than quick fixes.
Desiring God.
“Let Someone Serve You in Suffering.”
A reflection on the grace of receiving help and the beauty of mutual care within the body of Christ.
The Gospel Coalition.
“Navigating Empathy.”
A biblical exploration of compassion—how to enter another’s pain with wisdom, truth, and Christ-shaped love.
Crosswalk.
“Kindness and Compassion When Dealing with Others.”
A short devotional encouraging believers toward practical, everyday expressions of Christlike kindness.
Toby DeHay 