I’m a naturally open and direct person. I value honesty, clarity, and quickly getting to the heart of things. But I’ve learned that not everyone interacts that way—and that my directness can sometimes feel overwhelming or abrupt to people who are wired differently. God has been teaching me to slow down, listen first, and adjust my level of openness based on the relationship and the moment. I don’t always get it right, but I want to reflect, grow, and continue learning. Love doesn’t just speak truth—it also considers timing, tone, and the other person’s heart. As I grow, I’m learning how to communicate in a way that is still genuine, gentle, wise, and life-giving.
God calls us to be people of truth (Ephesians 4:25) and also people of wisdom and discernment (Proverbs 17:27–28; Colossians 4:6). For those who value honesty (which I hope is all of us!), the challenge is not whether to be open but how open to be in each relationship. Not everyone has the same maturity, capacity, or trustworthiness. Learning wise openness protects our hearts while honoring others.
Different Circles, Different Levels of Openness
Even Jesus modeled different levels of disclosure:
- The crowds — general truths (Matthew 13:34).
- The disciples — deeper teaching and correction (John 16:12).
- Peter, James, and John — His most vulnerable moments (Matthew 26:37–38).
Likewise, we can picture three circles of openness:
INNER CIRCLE
These deserve full honesty and vulnerability
Spouse, Closest Friends, Mentors
MIDDLE CIRCLE
Be honest, but selective in how much you say
Friends, Coworkers, Church Family
OUTER CIRCLE
Be kind, light, and measured
Acquaintances, New People, and Reactive Personalities
Proverbs 13:20 reminds us that we are shaped by the company we keep. Deeper access should be earned by character and consistency, not by default.
A Simple Filter Before You Speak
Before sharing something sensitive or direct, ask:
Is it true? (Ephesians 4:25) Is it loving? (Ephesians 4:15) AND, is it wise for this person in this moment? (Proverbs 25:11)
Many relational conflicts happen not because we were wrong but because our honesty was mistimed or mismatched to the person’s capacity or poor discernment on our part—perhaps both (Proverbs 18:2).
How to Engage the Outer Circle
When talking with those who haven’t “earned” deeper access, use this reminder:
“Kind, light, and measured.”
- Kind: gentle tone (Proverbs 15:1)
- Light: avoid sensitive or deeply personal topics
- Measured: listen more, share less (James 1:19)
This protects your heart without closing your heart.
Boundaries Are Biblical, Not Selfish
Even Jesus set limits (Luke 5:16; John 2:24). Saying less is often wisdom, not withdrawal. You can still love people well without giving them full access to your inner life. (Welch, Boundaries…)
In Summary
- Be fully honest, but selectively vulnerable
- Aim to be gracious in speech and discerning in disclosure
- Depth increases with trust, time, and proven character
Wise openness reflects both the truth of Christ and the wisdom of Christ. When we practice conversation discernment, we protect our hearts, honor others, and strengthen our relationships.
Bibliography:
Cloud, Henry, and John Townsend. Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life. Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1992.
Welch, Ed. “Boundaries in Relationships.” Journal of Biblical Counseling 22, no. 3 (2004): 4–13.
Newheiser, Jim. Do I Need Boundaries? Seeking to Please God by Learning to Say No. Charlotte: Reformed Theological Seminary Press, 2023.
Toby DeHay 