The way we ask for meetings matters to you and those you meet. Making a few adjustments in how you ask for a meeting or ask for clarification can help maintain respect and earn trust.
We’ve all sent that vague text, “Hey, can we meet?” Sometimes those on the receiving end can have a panic attack, question their life choices, or turn into a mental investigator when all you had to do was clarify! I have been thinking through this topic over the past year and hope some of the things I have learned are helpful! Here are a few ideas to think through before you send that text:
“Can we meet?”
The Anxiety Factor
- Many people assume the worst when a leader or church member says, “Can we meet?” without context — they might think they’re in trouble. Isn’t it funny how the “I think I’m in trouble” feeling doesn’t go away when you’re an adult??
- Surprise or vague meeting requests can trigger defensiveness or distrust before the meeting even happens. It’s not fair to anyone to enter a meeting feeling defensive OR be on the opposite side of someone who feels that way.
- Clarifying the topic ahead of time gives them space to prepare emotionally and mentally. It also gives the other person time to ask follow-up questions so they can be prepared.
The Stewardship of Time
- Pastors and members are busy; telling them the topic of the meeting allows them to prepare and ensures the meeting is productive. Maybe the other person is not interested in talking about that topic. This will enable them to tell you why they don’t want to meet.
- It communicates respect for the other person’s schedule and priorities.
Biblical Principles
- Matthew 7:12 – “Do unto others…” applies to meetings; how would you want to be approached?
- Ephesians 4:15 – “Speaking the truth in love” often requires intentional preparation, not surprise confrontation.
- Proverbs 15:23 – “A word in season” — a timely and well-prepared conversation is more fruitful.
We have all abused these with vague meeting invitations, possibly ambushing someone, and causing them a sleepless night. I’m trying to do better on both ends – the sender and receiver.
Reducing Power Imbalance
- In church leadership, a vague meeting request can feel like a summons—like positioning yourself behind a big desk or asking someone to drive 40 minutes to your location when you could easily meet in the middle.
- Giving context levels the field and encourages openness rather than suspicion.
Practical Guidance for Leaders
- Example: Instead of “Can you meet this week?” Try, “Can we meet to discuss your interest in leading a small group?”
- If the topic is sensitive, still give a hint: “I’d like to talk through a pastoral concern I’ve noticed.”
- For especially difficult conversations, you might still want to prepare them without dumping everything over text/email — just enough so they know the direction. I’m fairly blunt, so I ask myself, “What type of relationship do I have with this person, and how forward/blunt is appropriate?” Sometimes I swing and miss!
Training Members/Others to Do the Same
- Members should also give leaders a heads-up when they request a meeting — it’s not just a leadership courtesy. I find myself saying this about once a month, “I’d love to meet! Can you give me an idea of what we will discuss so I’ll know how to pray in the meantime?” This gives me the topic and allows me to be specific with the Lord in prayer.
- Don’t be afraid of saying NO. As a new believer, I watched a pastor get beaten up week in and week out after church by the same lady. She’d say, “Can I have a minute?” then roast him for 10-15 minutes. In certain situations I quickly learned it’s better to say, “No, I don’t have a minute. Can you send me a text/email with what you’d like to discuss? I’d love to get that scheduled this week.” I did that a time or two with a someone who was starting to develop a pattern of negative/antagonistic conversations, and guess what? The person didn’t need to meet with me anymore!
Result of Better Meeting Requests
- More trust between leaders and members.
- More productive conversations.
- Less time wasted on guesswork and emotional pre-processing.
The 4C Framework for Requesting a Meeting
1. Clarify the Purpose
- Give a brief, honest summary of the topic:
Instead of: “Can we meet?”
Say: “Can we meet to discuss the upcoming worship schedule?”
2. Choose the Right Time
- Ensure it’s not dropped on them at a high-stress moment (e.g., right before Sunday service starts). Before I walked up to preach once, a friend told me he had an issue with me, but it could wait until after the service. I told him he could tell me then, or he would be preaching! He got my point and shared his issue immediately.
- If it’s sensitive, give them enough notice to process before the meeting.
3. Communicate the Tone
- Set expectations so they don’t brace for bad news.
Example: “Nothing urgent or negative — I’d like to brainstorm with you.”
Or: “It’s a pastoral concern, but my heart is to listen and encourage.”
4. Confirm the Logistics
- Offer two or three options for time and place.
- If it might be long or emotionally heavy, let them know in advance so they can block enough time.
The goal is to replace vague, anxiety-inducing meeting requests with respectful, clear, and trust-building invitations.
Boy, has it taken me a while to get better at these! Have you experienced anxiety upon receiving a vague text requesting a meeting? Have you sent these texts? What are some other tips you have? Leave a comment and help continue the conversation!
Toby DeHay 