A man without self-control
is like a city broken into and left without walls.
Proverbs 25:28
In May of 2013, our family moved to Kentucky to pastor a rural church in need of revitalization. As we settled into a new rhythm of life, I quickly began to learn about the need to set boundaries between ministry “work” and home/family life.
These two areas are often blurred for those serving in ministry, whether it be in a fully funded or volunteer role. Ask any Christian leader and they will tell you they really enjoy their ministry. For many, their ministry is a calling. They really enjoy using the gifts that God provided them for His glory among His people.
As our family found our new rhythm, I began to take on more one-on-one discipling appointments, shared the gospel in our community with others, got involved in a local food ministry, and began collaborating with other leaders throughout the state. At the same time, our oldest was becoming more and more active in extra-curricular activities at her high school and I began doctoral studies.
I learned that there are limits to the number of “yeses” one can hand out. Too many “yeses” can lead to burnout. Too many “no’s” can lead to apathy, isolation, or laziness.
Too Many “Yeses”
Currently, I’m trying to do better at catching this on the front end. I can meet X many people per week, prepare ahead of time for Y many meetings, and give up Z many hours of family time before a problem begins to surface. Understanding my boundaries and generally sticking to them saves me from handing out too many “yeses,” which drives me toward spiritual and physical unhealthiness. Too many “yeses” make me uncreative, less thoughtful of others, spiritually dry, and tired.
Things to think about:
- What are your personal/family/work limitations?
- How do you recharge? Are you naturally an introvert, an extrovert, or a mix like me (60/40)?
- Are you taking into account the rhythms of your various calendars (Winter/spring/summer/fall, family, church, work, etc)?
- Do you have kids at home, are you single, an empty-nester, or other?
- What time of day do you do your best work? I tend to be more productive from 6a-11a than in the afternoon/evening. Most of my heavy-thinking and production-related tasks are best done in the morning. This also means I can’t start work at 6a and keep going strong every day until 9p.
Too Many “No’s”
I don’t struggle on this end of the boundary spectrum. Some do and I know some people who would place themselves in this category. They are often hard to get in touch with as their phone boundaries are rigid and often unreasonable. They may verbalize their availability to you, but what you hear is the opposite. Their spiritual giftedness is apparent, but they are not the ones who are quick to lead or even show up at a gathering where they can encourage/equip others in their faith. Their habitual “no’s” often come from a place of burn-out, past or present family issues, or other issues. Too many “no’s” may indicate that a person needs counseling and integration into a healthy community of believers.
Things to think about:
- Do you find yourself using the settings on your phone to stop calls/texts/notifications to isolate yourself from others?
- Do you find yourself talking about making boundaries enough that it causes people to assume you are much more busy than you actually are?
- Do you go weeks/months without meeting with other believers outside of a Sunday gathering?
Resources:
Cloud, Henry, and John Sims Townsend. Boundaries: When to say yes, how to say no to take control of your life. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2017.
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Toby DeHay 